The Aristocrats!

So there is this talent agent in this hotel and little does he know that he isn't on vacation.

A family consisting of a mother, a father, a teenager with horrible acne, a baby, a sister with ginormous fake boobs of 12 years old, a parot, an adopted chinese boy, and a gerbil with down syndrome approach the talent agent and say, "Please sir, give us 5 mintues to show you our act."

The talent agent replies, "Listen, I've made it a point not to hire family acts, it tends to do more damage than good."

The family pleads," We know you will love it, its different than any family act you've ever seen."

"OK, five minutes."

Immediately the family jumps into action, The chinese boy puts the gerbil in a condom and starts to swirl it around his head. The mother starts telling the parot to eat her vagina so everyone can see how tasty it is. The parot starts talking dirty to her too. The father starts peeing on the daughters boobs while the soon licks his asshole. The baby wanders over to the dog and starts jacking him off. The father bends over and the chinese boy lets the gerbil fly and it goes right into the father's ass, the parot flies over and begins to peck the gerbil in further while whistling the theme to the Andy Griffith show. The mom takes the baby and stuffs him feet first into the daughters vagina while giving her a lecture on pre-marrital sex. The son then proceeds to pop his zits on top of the dog and fingering its butt hole. The chinese boy takes a tiny cardboard box and puts postage on it marked to be sent to China and a sign that says no return, damaged goods and fits himself in it. The father grabs a salad bowl off the buffet table and takes a huge dump in it releasing the gerbil from its natural habitat and each family member takes their turn crapping into the salad bowl. They then take the contents of the bowl and mold a lifelike replica of Dr. Ruth and then the father starts fucking it in the ass while the family sings the brady bunch. Then the father gets on a high chair and cums on everyone, not just any cum but he shoots it in the air like a hose and it rains down. After he finishes the family lights the box marked To China on fire and then makes a human pyramid and says, "tah duh!"

The talent agent is dumbfounded and takes a minute to collect himself and says, "Well thats an interesting act. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats." The parot replies.


Now I know all of you are confused and a little offended and rightfully so. Except for Joseph (Joesph) Mirshak, he knows what I'm talking about. However, in my defense this has been done a million times. Read this and watch the South Park version of the aristocrats joke. That really doesn't excuse me from being dirty but its still funny. Make your own Aristocrats joke and watch the hate mail poor in. You can't tell me you didn't chuckle a little bit.

Relax, fuckus

Sorry about the last one, but it was funny and I was tired. I'm leaving it up for pure enjoyment of sleep delirium. Here is your picture for a little while till I write a new blog. I forgot to tell you that the pictures on my website are courtesy of Danielle Ouellete, she takes some bad ass picutres.

God is at work....

Save a whale, hug a tree, don't defecate on the neighbors lawn. Perform a random act of kindness. Every living creature is precious.

Now the statement above seems to go with my read a book theme but the truth is, the stuff above, is bull-shit, hippie bull-shit. The truth really is that the earth sucks. Each and every thing on Earth is evil. But don’t get me wrong here, I’m not just preaching about a few bad apples like Joseph Mirshak, Jaws, Adolf Hitler, Anna Nicole Smith, or that damn poison ivy that gets you every time you rake leaves. I'm talking about your household pet. It's pure evil.

You remember the time you were starving and you make a glorious hotdog in the microwave and get it all ready with some cheese, chili, and whatever other condiments you may have wanted when all the sudden it falls to the floor. You don't care, you are hungry, plus it won't take more than 5 seconds when all of the sudden, buster, floyd, lassie or whatever name your pet has snatches it up and eats it. Then he has the nerve to stare you in the eye and wag its tail as if he wants more. That smug son of a bitch.

I bet you would love your pet less if I told you that the shoes you are wearing probably have some traces of your pets discharge whether it be feces or urine. I bet if I told you that your dog ate the neighbor's baby and didn't think twice because it was hungry, you might be a little angry. They don't think, they don't care that uggs are in and you aren't cooking fish you just forgot to take of your feminine business.

Now, I’m going to go off on a tangent here, so I have to ask you to stop considering whether Muslim football players would wear their turbans on the inside or outside of their helmets and instead focus on my argument: Why are pets so protected? They are animals for god sakes, not people. Some celebrities send their pets to spas where they get better treatment than 80% of the country on vacation. There are people starving in 2/3s of the world but I'll be damned if my pug doesn't get a heated lava rock massage. Don't get me wrong, I love my pets but over the years I've learned that if its a person or a dog, we should always pick the human, we shouldn't confuse the love of an animal with the love a person has.

Sometimes I get so angry at the civil rights animals might have if people keep defending them. Why do we eat meat? Because we can, because we don't ask a shark why it eats fish instead of the vast array of algae. PETA is gay.

Right now I'm so angry about special treatment for animals and the lack of attention for humans that I want to make a new strain of herpes that affects household pets and ridiculous animal rights activists that can be passed to humans when a thumb is jammed in its bum. That way, all those snobby girls with their purses that fit their Pomeranian will get hand herpes when a manicured nail is accidentally brushed up against the brown winking eye.

Sure, I may not enjoy herpes when my dog gets it, but it will all be worth it when I see television footage of Anna Nicole Smith or Paris Hilton grimacing and scratching their mouths, hands, and already disease ridden vaginas during the VMAs. Those dumb whores.

Do me a favor

Read a book. Make your day better. Learn something. I think the answer to a lot of the problems in the US are related to ignorance and lack of education. I don't care if your school sucked or letters make you dizzy. Reading a book does more than teach you something, it improves your IQ, betters your thinking process, and informs you. Read anything....

Ahhhhhh....

Bw Chairs007, originally uploaded by cgkfox.

Let's have a party Trish

Jack Johnson kicks ass

Since I can't buy the music I want here I just downloaded the new Jack Johnson album off iTunes. It's more than worth it to buy this new album. In Between Dreams is awesome, Jack Johnson continues his melodic breezy pop/folk sound. I listen to it and I just feel so relaxed. It's catchy and carefree and starts out with Better Together, showing off his easygoing strumming as he sings about sitting under a mango tree and "a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving" damn Jack. Never Know offers some vaguely philosophical lyrics "We’re trying, but where is this all leading?/We’ll never know" it's only vague because its a song, but I enjoy it all the same. Then he continues with a little romantic song called Banana Pancakes, a picture of a perfect rainy day, "waking up slow" and making his woman some banana pancakes, love it. Then he continues a nice little song called Good People, kind of an anti-reality show song, what the crap happened to us "Station to station desensitizing the nation." Then, as if you don't know by now, another great song called No Other Way. To me, it says "tranquila" (relax in Spanish) and he's telling his lady that no one has all the answers and maybe the best thing for them is to give in to the natural order and understand that its time to go. Maybe it doesn't say that, but I'm not exactly your common variety optimist. Sitting, Waiting, Wishing is the story of my life, as the prototypical nice guy, I seem to be sitting, waiting, and wishing that some girl would realize that I'm the guy she's looking for but always goes out with the dick but, alas, "Learning loving somebody don’t make them love you." Jack rides a funk-tinged foray which is, in my opinion, the most soulful part of the album with Staple it Together, "staple it together and call it bad weather." Situations, don't really know what this one means yet, but you can see the lyrics and make your own deductions. Crying Shame serves up an antiwar message "By now it’s beginning to show/A number of people are numbers that ain’t coming home" I hate war too. The things that we can't change are what Jack sings about it in If I could "And though you’ve got to go we’ll keep a piece of your soul/One goes out, one comes in" life is a cycle, and "I’d give him more if I could" he adds a little taste of accordion which I find refreshing and welcomed. Breakdown rides a reggae-ish groove and props to Jack for writing another uplifting depressing song in which I find comfort. Oh my jesus, Belle, great short song, its got a latin feel and he sings in five languages also there is more accordion so it almost sounds like Vallenato, its short so I'll put the lyrics here:

Oi lienda (hey pretty girl) Portuguese
Bella che fa? (pretty girl what'd you do) Italian
Bonita, bonita que tal? (beautiful, beautiful how are you?) Spanish
But belle
Je ne comprends pas francais (I don't understand French) French, of course
So you’ll have to speak to me
Some other way

I relate to this song so much because when I first came to Colombia I couldn't talk to the pretty girls, but you can in other ways. In a weird way, not understanding each other linguistically isn't all that bad, less chance to F it all up. He throws in a nice twist with a country like rhythm and lyrics with Do You Remember very nice, very comforting, and it reminds me of so many friends and girlfriends and makes me laugh and smile, it gives me hope "The craziest thing of all is over ten years have gone by/And you’re still mine, we’re locked in time/Let’s Rewind." The final track, Constellations, is a trip through a colorful memory when we all remember that time, the innocence of taking in what's around and not about the problems and trivialities of life. The album is incredible, not too much complexity music wise, but plenty lyrically. If it weren't for music like this, my life would be sad. When I listen to this music, I feel the wind on the beach, letting go, forgetting to analyze my happiness and enjoy the moment. I'm drinking a beer for you Mr. Johnson.

I think I know

Is there anything more addicting than love? I know immediately you think yes, drugs, money, but what is more fulfilling? Nothing else I know. I spend a lot of time building this wall that makes me impervious to love or to the daggers that it throws but still, there is a large part of me that wishes I would take that risk. I've taken it, and the reward is short term, so it seems, I delve into music and books empathetically living through characters and pages hoping that the ideal love, or whatever it is I want, will jump out and grab me...nirvana. This peace of mind is not what I find, the arduous journey, the failed attempts, the false feeling of success and discovery. When you fall, you fall hard and you fall fast.

Maybe I'm just picky, maybe I run and I hide from it. I know you may be thinking that I'll change my mind in a year when I find somebody again, but I doubt that. In my head I'll be thinking, how much more time do I have, when is it going to fail, how long till she realizes that I'm really not all that great. Well this is what I'm going to do on here I think, rant about things that pass through my head, splicing thoughts and situations and speaking what all you skeptics might call my truth and my reality. Enjoy and leave your thoughts, but please nothing like one word that says, love is awesome, you just haven't found that one...I want a little more of an explanation than that. Hangovers make me lazy.

Robot Sex

Well I've decided to do this, only because to post on someone elses blog I had to sign up. However, this seems pretty cool, a little website dedicated to the funniest man since Bobcat Goldwaith....me. Well first, a little about me, I'm 22, studying medicine in Bogotá, Colombia and no, its not all that bad, there aren't drugs everywhere and if you say its an ugly place, I hate you and you will pay when my mafia cousins get you, bad joke, I know, but I will hate you. Ummm, so, I'm going to go get back to studying, maybe I'll post something later when I feel like you deserve to bask in my glorious presence or remnants thereof.... Stay classy San Diego