God is at work....

Save a whale, hug a tree, don't defecate on the neighbors lawn. Perform a random act of kindness. Every living creature is precious.

Now the statement above seems to go with my read a book theme but the truth is, the stuff above, is bull-shit, hippie bull-shit. The truth really is that the earth sucks. Each and every thing on Earth is evil. But don’t get me wrong here, I’m not just preaching about a few bad apples like Joseph Mirshak, Jaws, Adolf Hitler, Anna Nicole Smith, or that damn poison ivy that gets you every time you rake leaves. I'm talking about your household pet. It's pure evil.

You remember the time you were starving and you make a glorious hotdog in the microwave and get it all ready with some cheese, chili, and whatever other condiments you may have wanted when all the sudden it falls to the floor. You don't care, you are hungry, plus it won't take more than 5 seconds when all of the sudden, buster, floyd, lassie or whatever name your pet has snatches it up and eats it. Then he has the nerve to stare you in the eye and wag its tail as if he wants more. That smug son of a bitch.

I bet you would love your pet less if I told you that the shoes you are wearing probably have some traces of your pets discharge whether it be feces or urine. I bet if I told you that your dog ate the neighbor's baby and didn't think twice because it was hungry, you might be a little angry. They don't think, they don't care that uggs are in and you aren't cooking fish you just forgot to take of your feminine business.

Now, I’m going to go off on a tangent here, so I have to ask you to stop considering whether Muslim football players would wear their turbans on the inside or outside of their helmets and instead focus on my argument: Why are pets so protected? They are animals for god sakes, not people. Some celebrities send their pets to spas where they get better treatment than 80% of the country on vacation. There are people starving in 2/3s of the world but I'll be damned if my pug doesn't get a heated lava rock massage. Don't get me wrong, I love my pets but over the years I've learned that if its a person or a dog, we should always pick the human, we shouldn't confuse the love of an animal with the love a person has.

Sometimes I get so angry at the civil rights animals might have if people keep defending them. Why do we eat meat? Because we can, because we don't ask a shark why it eats fish instead of the vast array of algae. PETA is gay.

Right now I'm so angry about special treatment for animals and the lack of attention for humans that I want to make a new strain of herpes that affects household pets and ridiculous animal rights activists that can be passed to humans when a thumb is jammed in its bum. That way, all those snobby girls with their purses that fit their Pomeranian will get hand herpes when a manicured nail is accidentally brushed up against the brown winking eye.

Sure, I may not enjoy herpes when my dog gets it, but it will all be worth it when I see television footage of Anna Nicole Smith or Paris Hilton grimacing and scratching their mouths, hands, and already disease ridden vaginas during the VMAs. Those dumb whores.