Case Study: Captain No Balls

I recently stumbled upon a brilliant study on a friend of mine,seen here. I started to see if I could find some fault in logic or in methods of study and I found none. So I went back to the lair and decided to do I confirming analisis of his pussaptitude. The results were staggering. 100% of the time, he was at, as we in this made up field call "all engines go." As my method to study is through empirical evidence, much like the famed Dian Fossey, who lived among apes for several years, I noticed few times, he seemed as if he wanted to change. He would get drunk and sloppily hang on a girl, much like several of us have done, only to result in a mutual friendship of a "higher level" where he would cock block anyone so that their relationship would only result in less chance of sex and more ruining of a good time.

Now when I cross referenced alcohol with behavioral patterns, I found that not only did it confirm the aforementioned article and my own suspicions, but that he is and will most likely always be a sloppy dickless wonder. Now as I have perused his bountiful porn collection, if my memory serves me correct, I found the usual selections, coeds and what not. However most computers come well equipped with many folders, sub directories and hidden files. These hidden files may be the key to unlocking the mysteries of why. It is quite possible, with the mounds of data that I have collected, that he may be fond of a fetish not even known to his closest friends and relatives. What is this fetish? I can only begin to speculate. Some may say that it could be gay porn, I reject this only from the many times I've seen him try, although very little, and fail misrably with the members of the opposite sex. Maybe the enigma is just that, and can only be solved through math, stay with me on this. Now if pussaptitude is equal to the amount of times he's been a pussy multiplied by the amount of times he's cock blocked divided by the number of people that are similar to him, we have this equation: PA=CB/PS, no to adjust for his lack of usablility of his penis I'm forced to raise the right side of the equation leaving me with PA=3(CB/PS). As you can see the figures are astronomical.

The math left me with a number, but what exactly does it mean? Sure he's a vagina, but to what to we compare this too? I recently found a book on the internet while I was doing my research and this book God Is A Woman: The Origin Of Yahweh, Allah & The Gods Of India & Asia
, which I'm sure Niju has read and probably stores it with his bootlegs of the vagina monologues, encapsulates eveything that Niju believes. The woman, to our cases study, is on a much higher plane than we are, not only are they not looking for the same fun than we are, but they should not be tainted by our filthy hands. He's dillusional. He thinks he knows but has no experience in the field he believes himself to be so competent in. The only approach to remedy this situation is to send donations to DicklessWonder.org to help fund the research necesarry to get this man laid.




This article is currently under review by National Geographic and is expected to be available in the December issue. Matthew Brigmon is a medical analyst from La Sabana.