Holy darkside luke!

So I realized my last post probably only offended those people against love ballads, so in keeping with the offending everybody so as not to alienate, I've posted what seems to be a very disturbing likeness. Ze german is in control.

New iTunes buy

I'm going to talk about the acoustic renditions album, cover is the same only says "[acoustic renditions]" under "Lift"


So I've always been a fan of Sister Hazel, but hadn't really heard anything new, or looked for that matter, in a while. I get the iTunes music letter (mainly for the free download every week) and I saw a new Sister Hazel CD. I bought it, only to find out that there is another Lift CD and this is just the acoustic rendition of 5 of the best songs from the original Lift album. However, I really enjoyed it. This is basically a love ballad CD, catchy, some songs bluesy, a good buy.

The first song is "The World Inside my Head", it's got piano, fun chorus, great words, this song talks about how he feels better when he paints his days with "purple seams and left out grays", basically he's living in his own little world. "Where did everybody go without me?" this is the attatchement to the real world, he's seeing that people have moved on and he's still just where he was when they left him still fantasizing. Basically the song is about day dreaming, but on a larger scale... I think.

Second song, "Hold On", the guitar is almost a little too repetitive at first, then it gets better, trust me. It's about difficult love, I know this all too well, ups and downs, rights and wrongs.
"I wanted so much to fill you up
But your cup is full of me
I've left a bitter taste on you
But you say its bitter sweetly"
Love is exhausting, but you have to "hold on to every little piece of my love". Sometimes we love right and sometimes we love wrong.

"Firefly", the girl that we all want to find. The girl where "everywhere is better with her", she's "not like anyone". Now I know a few girls like that, but the ones that are so different are hard to please, the one who knows more about art than you do and you are fascinated when she talks, she lights you up like a "firefly".

I love "Another Me" when we all think there is something wrong with ourselves.
"And I'm waiting for another me
One in between the burn and the lessons learned
'Cause being me ain't no way to be"
We are all living one big lesson and sometimes it seems that no matter how many lessons we've learned, we still get screwed and learn a new one. I feel you.

My favorite song on the album beecause its the most fun is "All About the Love". It's my favorite because its the most uplifting. When you are in love, nothing else matters, well at first. It is a little short but the song has fun lyrics. For instance:
"Have you looked at me lately
I've been standing around here waiting
Isn't it so fascinating
When loves, in love, with you"
It's all about the love. Stop, close your eyes and think about it. It's nice isnt it?

I recommend this album, although the acoustic renditions, which I have, only seem to be available on iTunes. So get an account and get it. These interpretations are mine and loose at best. Listen to them, look for your own and enjoy some good music. Have I said that hangovers make me lazy?

My night sucked

Thats me wishing for what I want to happen, I'm wishing hard. How was yours?

Case Study: Captain No Balls

I recently stumbled upon a brilliant study on a friend of mine,seen here. I started to see if I could find some fault in logic or in methods of study and I found none. So I went back to the lair and decided to do I confirming analisis of his pussaptitude. The results were staggering. 100% of the time, he was at, as we in this made up field call "all engines go." As my method to study is through empirical evidence, much like the famed Dian Fossey, who lived among apes for several years, I noticed few times, he seemed as if he wanted to change. He would get drunk and sloppily hang on a girl, much like several of us have done, only to result in a mutual friendship of a "higher level" where he would cock block anyone so that their relationship would only result in less chance of sex and more ruining of a good time.

Now when I cross referenced alcohol with behavioral patterns, I found that not only did it confirm the aforementioned article and my own suspicions, but that he is and will most likely always be a sloppy dickless wonder. Now as I have perused his bountiful porn collection, if my memory serves me correct, I found the usual selections, coeds and what not. However most computers come well equipped with many folders, sub directories and hidden files. These hidden files may be the key to unlocking the mysteries of why. It is quite possible, with the mounds of data that I have collected, that he may be fond of a fetish not even known to his closest friends and relatives. What is this fetish? I can only begin to speculate. Some may say that it could be gay porn, I reject this only from the many times I've seen him try, although very little, and fail misrably with the members of the opposite sex. Maybe the enigma is just that, and can only be solved through math, stay with me on this. Now if pussaptitude is equal to the amount of times he's been a pussy multiplied by the amount of times he's cock blocked divided by the number of people that are similar to him, we have this equation: PA=CB/PS, no to adjust for his lack of usablility of his penis I'm forced to raise the right side of the equation leaving me with PA=3(CB/PS). As you can see the figures are astronomical.

The math left me with a number, but what exactly does it mean? Sure he's a vagina, but to what to we compare this too? I recently found a book on the internet while I was doing my research and this book God Is A Woman: The Origin Of Yahweh, Allah & The Gods Of India & Asia
, which I'm sure Niju has read and probably stores it with his bootlegs of the vagina monologues, encapsulates eveything that Niju believes. The woman, to our cases study, is on a much higher plane than we are, not only are they not looking for the same fun than we are, but they should not be tainted by our filthy hands. He's dillusional. He thinks he knows but has no experience in the field he believes himself to be so competent in. The only approach to remedy this situation is to send donations to DicklessWonder.org to help fund the research necesarry to get this man laid.




This article is currently under review by National Geographic and is expected to be available in the December issue. Matthew Brigmon is a medical analyst from La Sabana.

The Aristocrats!

So there is this talent agent in this hotel and little does he know that he isn't on vacation.

A family consisting of a mother, a father, a teenager with horrible acne, a baby, a sister with ginormous fake boobs of 12 years old, a parot, an adopted chinese boy, and a gerbil with down syndrome approach the talent agent and say, "Please sir, give us 5 mintues to show you our act."

The talent agent replies, "Listen, I've made it a point not to hire family acts, it tends to do more damage than good."

The family pleads," We know you will love it, its different than any family act you've ever seen."

"OK, five minutes."

Immediately the family jumps into action, The chinese boy puts the gerbil in a condom and starts to swirl it around his head. The mother starts telling the parot to eat her vagina so everyone can see how tasty it is. The parot starts talking dirty to her too. The father starts peeing on the daughters boobs while the soon licks his asshole. The baby wanders over to the dog and starts jacking him off. The father bends over and the chinese boy lets the gerbil fly and it goes right into the father's ass, the parot flies over and begins to peck the gerbil in further while whistling the theme to the Andy Griffith show. The mom takes the baby and stuffs him feet first into the daughters vagina while giving her a lecture on pre-marrital sex. The son then proceeds to pop his zits on top of the dog and fingering its butt hole. The chinese boy takes a tiny cardboard box and puts postage on it marked to be sent to China and a sign that says no return, damaged goods and fits himself in it. The father grabs a salad bowl off the buffet table and takes a huge dump in it releasing the gerbil from its natural habitat and each family member takes their turn crapping into the salad bowl. They then take the contents of the bowl and mold a lifelike replica of Dr. Ruth and then the father starts fucking it in the ass while the family sings the brady bunch. Then the father gets on a high chair and cums on everyone, not just any cum but he shoots it in the air like a hose and it rains down. After he finishes the family lights the box marked To China on fire and then makes a human pyramid and says, "tah duh!"

The talent agent is dumbfounded and takes a minute to collect himself and says, "Well thats an interesting act. What do you call yourselves?"

"The Aristocrats." The parot replies.


Now I know all of you are confused and a little offended and rightfully so. Except for Joseph (Joesph) Mirshak, he knows what I'm talking about. However, in my defense this has been done a million times. Read this and watch the South Park version of the aristocrats joke. That really doesn't excuse me from being dirty but its still funny. Make your own Aristocrats joke and watch the hate mail poor in. You can't tell me you didn't chuckle a little bit.

Relax, fuckus

Sorry about the last one, but it was funny and I was tired. I'm leaving it up for pure enjoyment of sleep delirium. Here is your picture for a little while till I write a new blog. I forgot to tell you that the pictures on my website are courtesy of Danielle Ouellete, she takes some bad ass picutres.

God is at work....

Save a whale, hug a tree, don't defecate on the neighbors lawn. Perform a random act of kindness. Every living creature is precious.

Now the statement above seems to go with my read a book theme but the truth is, the stuff above, is bull-shit, hippie bull-shit. The truth really is that the earth sucks. Each and every thing on Earth is evil. But don’t get me wrong here, I’m not just preaching about a few bad apples like Joseph Mirshak, Jaws, Adolf Hitler, Anna Nicole Smith, or that damn poison ivy that gets you every time you rake leaves. I'm talking about your household pet. It's pure evil.

You remember the time you were starving and you make a glorious hotdog in the microwave and get it all ready with some cheese, chili, and whatever other condiments you may have wanted when all the sudden it falls to the floor. You don't care, you are hungry, plus it won't take more than 5 seconds when all of the sudden, buster, floyd, lassie or whatever name your pet has snatches it up and eats it. Then he has the nerve to stare you in the eye and wag its tail as if he wants more. That smug son of a bitch.

I bet you would love your pet less if I told you that the shoes you are wearing probably have some traces of your pets discharge whether it be feces or urine. I bet if I told you that your dog ate the neighbor's baby and didn't think twice because it was hungry, you might be a little angry. They don't think, they don't care that uggs are in and you aren't cooking fish you just forgot to take of your feminine business.

Now, I’m going to go off on a tangent here, so I have to ask you to stop considering whether Muslim football players would wear their turbans on the inside or outside of their helmets and instead focus on my argument: Why are pets so protected? They are animals for god sakes, not people. Some celebrities send their pets to spas where they get better treatment than 80% of the country on vacation. There are people starving in 2/3s of the world but I'll be damned if my pug doesn't get a heated lava rock massage. Don't get me wrong, I love my pets but over the years I've learned that if its a person or a dog, we should always pick the human, we shouldn't confuse the love of an animal with the love a person has.

Sometimes I get so angry at the civil rights animals might have if people keep defending them. Why do we eat meat? Because we can, because we don't ask a shark why it eats fish instead of the vast array of algae. PETA is gay.

Right now I'm so angry about special treatment for animals and the lack of attention for humans that I want to make a new strain of herpes that affects household pets and ridiculous animal rights activists that can be passed to humans when a thumb is jammed in its bum. That way, all those snobby girls with their purses that fit their Pomeranian will get hand herpes when a manicured nail is accidentally brushed up against the brown winking eye.

Sure, I may not enjoy herpes when my dog gets it, but it will all be worth it when I see television footage of Anna Nicole Smith or Paris Hilton grimacing and scratching their mouths, hands, and already disease ridden vaginas during the VMAs. Those dumb whores.

Do me a favor

Read a book. Make your day better. Learn something. I think the answer to a lot of the problems in the US are related to ignorance and lack of education. I don't care if your school sucked or letters make you dizzy. Reading a book does more than teach you something, it improves your IQ, betters your thinking process, and informs you. Read anything....